It’s strange how it starts…
Your body is just going through the healing process of your first child and then suddenly this baby of yours, now 10 months old, has turned into a mini toddler.
And this ache starts from way deep. Not that bringing up one baby isn’t challenging enough but your mind starts playing tricks on you and thoughts such as, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice for them to have a sibling?’ creep up in your head. So you test this out with your husband and you both realise that you are ready to have another child. Well we have waited long enough.
Tim and I married later in life and had our daughter late too, so why prolong the process? We did also hope to retire at some point and waiting to have more babies wasn’t an option at our age.
So, I did the only thing I knew how to do, which is to pray and hope. Months, and then a year flew by, with no success: but you see I was secretly trying to help God along by making sure all the right conditions occurred. I won’t to bore you with all the gory details but it was things like making sure we had intercourse during the right times of the month and… so on and so forth. My thinking was that hey God needs a helping hand surely! But it was to no avail. Month after month, the familiar signs of a menstrual cycle would return and the inevitable doom and gloom.
By then, we had also had been seen by our fertility experts in the NHS who described us as having ‘unexplained infertility’. It was a dark time for us as there didn’t seem to be any answers, though we still had faith. I underwent some small surgery to see if there were any other complications and was given the all clear. My daughter had now turned into a fully grown toddler at 21 months and she had started to say that she wanted a baby ‘sista’. It was when my daughter turned two that the subject of IVF came about. Thing is, I didn’t feel God’s peace in it. Tim didn’t have any reservations about the process so we prayed for God’s will to become clear to us.
During that time we discovered a bald patch on the back of my head and, as I was desperately looking for answers, I had found out about auto immune disorders that remain unchecked in many women after somebody recommended a book specifically about this. It seemed to fit, given that the bald patch was a sign of auto immune condition. Unfortunately, this was something the NHS wouldn’t cater for and treatment for it was only possible through private healthcare.
Inevitably, this led to awareness of clinics that could provide help and support. It was Zita West Clinic that helped us in the end, and I remember the first day when we walked in and I explained our predicament. Our consultant Doctor George Ddukwe seemed to understand exactly what the issues were and that was a huge relief. The tests that I asked for proved the theory and the Doctor here was able to guide us towards a more rounded nutrition programme.
So where was God in all of this?
Well, he was always right there beside us even though I had been oblivious to what he was telling me. I had a sense of him telling me he was guiding me along the path and that he was right there, but this became more apparent when a very close friend of ours asked me to surrender it to him. I thought I had but emotionally I hadn’t. God was helping us to, and I believe he did that with the book that provided answers about this disorder and then guiding us to the right people.
So many of our Christian friends prayed for us to whom we are indebted. Some Christians I spoke to said that this was God’s will and what will be will be but there was one friend who pointed me towards an Australian pastor Nerida Walker. Nerida is a mother of four miracle children – Kaitlin, Aidan, and twins, Aaron and Jesse – despite her husband being diagnosed as sterile. God spoke to me through Nerida’s sermons and in particular the bible verse in Exodus 25:23: ‘Worship the lord your God and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full lifespan.’
I had a tremendous sense of His peace through this scripture verse and continued meditating and praising him despite the circumstances.
Focus on God’s wisdom and His peace
Every step of this journey was covered in talking to God and seeking his blessing, and I think it’s this that kept me going. You see, God is on my side. I’m not saying that God will always give me what I ask for. Sometimes prayers go unanswered, and there are countless prayers out there that remain unanswered.
I think God wants us to pray regardless of what the circumstances indicate because praying changes us. Luke 10:38-42 is a case in point. Martha worries about serving, Mary lounges at the Lord’s feet. Martha is anxious and seeking for Christ’s validation. Mary is carefree and hanging on Christ’s every word. I feel like this ‘infertility’ journey has taught me a lot about Martha. Infertility taught me to eagerly welcome Christ… just like Martha. Infertility reminded me of my need, more than ever, of Christ. Martha served Christ freely, enthusiastically, and seeking favour. Even when what seemed most important to her was not granted, I believe Christ’s exact words in that passage afford her dignity even though traditional thinking might suggest that he will only reward the virtuous.
Notice that Christ’s words don’t actually offer a comparison of the sisters. It’s a powerful passage to reflect on, if you look at it from that vantage point and re-read his actual words carefully. He certainly could have compared them, but look at what he did instead.
To IVF or not?
The subject of IVF came up again and again but I didn’t quite feel that this was the route for us. We decided to push this door just to see, but kept praying to seek God’s will. Just days before we signed the IVF papers, God spoke to me very clearly: this wasn’t for us and I knew that, no matter what happened, God would always be with us. This was even more precious, and it was at this point that I became pregnant.
Trust in God with all your Heart, so says scripture. It’s easy to say, less easy to do, particularly when you are plagued by doubt, fear, unbelief and worldly distraction. In this piece I am not saying IVF is wrong, or that people with infertility issues should not pursue all the avenues available to them, but I feel that, whatever path couples take, seeking God and trusting him is key to making the right decisions. People talk about God’s will for their lives, but as human beings, who really knows God’s will? You just have to humble yourself, place your desires at the foot of the cross and pray. We make life so complicated sometimes but that’s what being a Christian is all about.
The Rae Cast 